EXT. A SUPERMARKET - AFTERNOON
Loving hairdresser MADAME ARCHI SHEKHAWAT is arguing with brave private detective SIR HARRY SINGH. AARCHI tries to hug HARRY but he shakes her off.
AARCHI
Please, Harry, don't leave me.
HARRY
I'm sorry aarchi, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
AARCHI
I am such a person!
HARRY frowns.
HARRY
I'm sorry, aarchi. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
HARRY leaves.
AARCHI sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, energetic computer programmer SIR REHAAN OBEROI barges in looking flustered.
AARCHI
Goodness, rehaan! Is everything okay?
REHAAN
I'm afraid not.
AARCHI
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
REHAAN
It's ... a mugger ... I saw an evil mugger shoot a bunch of elderly ladies!
AARCHI
Defenseless elderly ladies?
REHAAN
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!
AARCHI
Bloomin' heck, rehaan! We've got to do something.
REHAAN
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
AARCHI
You can start by telling me where this happened.
REHAAN
I was...
REHAAN fans himself and begins to wheeze.
AARCHI
Focus rehaan, focus! Where did it happen?
REHAAN
Quality Cafe, Los Angeles! That's right - Quality Cafe, Los Angeles!
AARCHI springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
AARCHI rushes along the street, followed by REHAAN. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - SHORTLY AFTER
NISHA AGRAWAL a selfish mugger terrorises two elderly ladies.
AARCHI, closely followed by REHAAN, rushes towards NISHA, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
REHAAN
What is is? What's the matter?
AARCHI
That's not just any old mugger, that's nisha agrawal!
REHAAN
Who's nisha agrawal?
AARCHI
Who's nisha agrawal? Who's nisha agrawal? Only the most selfish mugger in the universe!
REHAAN
Blinkin' knickers, aarchi! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most selfish mugger in the universe!
AARCHI
You can say that again.
REHAAN
Blinkin' knickers, aarchi! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most selfish mugger in the universe!
AARCHI
I'm going to need pistols, lots of pistols.
nisha turns and sees aarchi and rehaan. She grins an evil grin.
NISHA
aarchi shekhawat, we meet again.
REHAAN
You've met?
AARCHI
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young AARCHI is sitting in a park listening to some piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees NISHA. She takes off her headphones.
NISHA
Would you like some chocolate?
AARCHI's eyes light up, but then he studies NISHA more closely, and looks uneasy.
AARCHI
I don't know, you look kind of selfish.
NISHA
Me? No. I'm not selfish. I'm the least selfish mugger in the world.
AARCHI
Wait, you're a mugger?
AARCHI runs away, screaming.
INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - PRESENT DAY
NISHA
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
REHAAN
(To AARCHI) You ran away?
AARCHI
(To REHAAN) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
AARCHI turns to NISHA.
AARCHI
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
AARCHI runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
AARCHI
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with pistols.
NISHA
I'm not scared of you.
AARCHI
You should be.
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY
AARCHI and REHAAN walk around searching for something.
AARCHI
I feel sure I left my pistols somewhere around here.
REHAAN
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly pistols.
AARCHI
You know nothing rehaan oberoi.
REHAAN
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, NISHA appears, holding a pair of pistols.
NISHA
Looking for something?
REHAAN
Crikey, aarchi, she's got your pistols.
AARCHI
Tell me something I don't already know!
REHAAN
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
AARCHI
I know that already!
REHAAN
I'm afraid of sausages.
NISHA
(appalled) Dude!
While NISHA is looking at REHAAN with disgust, AARCHI lunges forward and grabs her deadly pistols. He wields them, triumphantly.
AARCHI
Prepare to die, you selfish cabbage!
NISHA
No please! All I did was shoot a bunch of elderly ladies!
HARRY enters, unseen by any of the others.
AARCHI
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! aarchi shekhawat defender of innocent elderly ladies.
NISHA
Don't hurt me! Please!
AARCHI
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these pistols on you right away!
NISHA
Because aarchi, I am your mother.
AARCHI looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
AARCHI
No you're not!
NISHA
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
NISHA tries to grab the pistols but AARCHI dodges out of the way.
AARCHI
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, NISHA slumps to the ground.
REHAAN
Did she just faint?
AARCHI
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly pistols.
AARCHI crouches over NISHA's body.
REHAAN
Be careful, aarchi. It could be a trick.
AARCHI
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... nisha agrawal is dead!
AARCHI
What?
AARCHI
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
REHAAN claps his hands.
REHAAN
So your pistols did save the day, after all.
HARRY steps forward.
HARRY
Is it true? Did you kill the selfish mugger?
AARCHI
Harry how long have you been...?
HARRY puts his arm around AARCHI.
HARRY
Long enough.
AARCHI
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed nisha agrawal.
HARRY
Then the elderly ladies are safe?
AARCHI
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking relived.
HARRY
You are their hero.
The elderly ladies bow to AARCHI.
AARCHI
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that nisha agrawal will never shoot elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.
HARRY
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly ladies passes AARCHI a magic pendant
HARRY
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
AARCHI
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
AARCHI
Well, if you insist.
AARCHI takes the pendant.
AARCHI
Thank you.
The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.
AARCHI turns to HARRY.
AARCHI
Does this mean you want me back?
HARRY
Oh, aarchi, of course I want you back!
AARCHI smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
AARCHI
Well you can't have me.
HARRY
WHAT?
AARCHI
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a mugger to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
HARRY
But...
AARCHI
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, rehaan.
REHAAN grins.
HARRY
But...
REHAAN
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
HARRY
aarchi?
AARCHI
I'm sorry Harry, but I think you should skidaddle.
HARRY leaves.
REHAAN turns to AARCHI.
REHAAN
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
AARCHI
Of course, you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly REHAAN stops.
REHAAN
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the mugger, don't you?
THE END
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